Holding space. Maybe this is your first time hearing that phrase, but it is an important skill for couples. We need to be able to listen well and hold space for each of us to share what is going on in our hearts.
Talk About It
1. Is it challenging for us to honor and listen to each other?
2. How can we practice this technique of holding space, so that we can use it in our real-life interactions? Is there a way we can ask for it specifically that will work for us?
Think About It
1. Do you feel like you were already “holding space” for your partner, or is this new information for you?
2. What steps will you need to take to keep your own emotions in check, as you listen to your partner? Mark mentions feeling tension in the jaw, the neck, etc. Take a few minutes to pre-decide how you’ll handle your emotions in a way that allows you to hold space for your partner’s emotions.
Notes and Quotes
Holding space means being emotionally present with your partner’s emotions-without judging, making it about yourself, or getting defensive. It’s creating a safe space for someone to express themselves.
Holding space can be challenging because our body and mind wants to jump in and “correct,” or fix or even escape-especially if you have a tendency toward avoidance.
In safe conversations, one person is sharing, and the other person is listening (holding space). The person who is listening can mirror back what they heard and then ask whether they got it right, then ask them to, “tell me more.”
Sometimes we try to shut our partner down because we are uncomfortable with their emotions.
*Holding space does not mean that we tolerate unhealthy or abusive behavior.
Some tips on Holding Space:
1. Put your attention on your partner, not on yourself. Quiet your own emotions. Reflect back what they are saying.
2. Calm your own central nervous system by taking a deep breath.
3. Continue to invite your partner to share more. “Tell me more,” “I’m listening,” etc.
4. If something comes up that you can clean up in the moment, you can apologize and own your part. But in general, you’re just trying to listen well-not trying to fix or solve anything.
5. No name-calling, generalizations, or character attacks.
6. Make sure you are trying to get to the heart of what is being communicated.
7. Validate the way your partner is feeling. In validating, the key phrase is, “that makes sense.”
8. Empathize – in empathy, they key phrase is, “I can only imagine.”
It makes such a difference when we hold space for our spouse to feel their emotions. They know they are not alone. You help to fix things without fixing things by making your spouse feel heard, and inviting your spouse to even hear themselves.
