TRANSCRIPT: How-To-Rebuild-Trust.doc.pdf

Talk About It:

What is one takeaway you had from this video?
How do we do pushing information to each other?
What are the places where we need to be intentional about rebuilding trust in our relationship?

Think About It:

Is my tone demeaning when I respond to my spouse?
How do I do at pushing information to my spouse?
Do I speak respectfully even when my spouse asks me questions that I think are foolish or frustrating to answer?
How do I do walking a mile in my spouse’s shoes?
Where do I need to rebuild trust with my spouse?

Quotes and Notes:

“Sometimes everyday things like bad habits erode trust.”
“Rebuilding trust is as important for the little things as it is for the big things.”

Specific principles to use when we’re rebuilding trust:

  • Ask questions if the answers will help trust to be rebuilt.
    • Will the answer to this question really help me?
    • Am I more of a thinker or feeler? Will asking questions when trust has been broken be helpful to me or more hurtful to me? (More information can be helpful to thinkers but hurtful to feelers.)
  • Answer questions kindly, patiently, repeatedly (if necessary), and honestly.
    • Am I safe for my spouse to express frustration, fear, or struggles?
    • The trust-breaker needs to be the trust maker. The person who has broken the trust needs to make it safe for the other person to ask questions or express pain and frustrations.
    • A surrendered heart is an open book and willing to talk
  • Be respectful of each other. Speak respectfully to each other.
    • Your tone and frustration can cause debate rather than dialogue.
  • Walk A Mile In Your Spouse’s Shoes
    • When we’re trying to rebuild trust, it helps to walk in your spouse’s shoes. To be compassionate to what they must be thinking and feeling.
    • Do I need to change the timing of my communication to better position us for dialogue rather than debate (Is my heart in a good place? Is this a good time to approach him/her?)
  • Offer Accountability
    • Become an open book.
    • Ask a friend for accountability.
    • Push information to your spouse to reassure him or her that you’re taking important accountability steps or that you’re attending to details that will help him or her be able to trust you.
  • Forgive and Forgive Some More
    • Do business with God first. Keep your heart uncluttered.
    • Forgiveness downshifts our emotion.
    • Forgiveness is not once and down.
    • Sometimes you have to forgive for each piece of information you have.
  • Watch Your Expectations
    • Honestly often happens in layers.
  • Balance Risk With Hope
    • The one whose trust has been broken has to be a risk-taker.
    • Trust is broken in marriage on big and little things. There are times we’re the trust breaker and times where our trust has been broken.

Final Thought: When you need to have a hard conversation, start it with,“I need to have a hard conversation and I’m scared to death.” This gives your spouse a heads up that you are using your God-Tool of courage and you need him/her to handle this conversation gently.  It prepares the other person to respond carefully.