Holding Space

Nov 13, 2024

Holding space. Maybe this is your first time hearing that phrase, but it is an important skill for couples. We need to be able to listen well and hold space for each of us to share what is going on in our hearts.

Talk About It

1. Is it challenging for us to honor and listen to each other?
2. How can we practice this technique of holding space, so that we can use it in our real-life interactions? Is there a way we can ask for it specifically that will work for us?

Think About It

1. Do you feel like you were already “holding space” for your partner, or is this new information for you?
2. What steps will you need to take to keep your own emotions in check, as you listen to your partner? Mark mentions feeling tension in the jaw, the neck, etc. Take a few minutes to pre-decide how you’ll handle your emotions in a way that allows you to hold space for your partner’s emotions.

Notes and Quotes

Holding space means being emotionally present with your partner’s emotions-without judging, making it about yourself, or getting defensive. It’s creating a safe space for someone to express themselves.

Holding space can be challenging because our body and mind wants to jump in and “correct,” or fix or even escape-especially if you have a tendency toward avoidance.

In safe conversations, one person is sharing, and the other person is listening (holding space). The person who is listening can mirror back what they heard and then ask whether they got it right, then ask them to, “tell me more.”

Sometimes we try to shut our partner down because we are uncomfortable with their emotions.
*Holding space does not mean that we tolerate unhealthy or abusive behavior.

Some tips on Holding Space:
1. Put your attention on your partner, not on yourself. Quiet your own emotions. Reflect back what they are saying.
2. Calm your own central nervous system by taking a deep breath.
3. Continue to invite your partner to share more. “Tell me more,” “I’m listening,” etc.
4. If something comes up that you can clean up in the moment, you can apologize and own your part. But in general, you’re just trying to listen well-not trying to fix or solve anything.
5. No name-calling, generalizations, or character attacks.
6. Make sure you are trying to get to the heart of what is being communicated.
7. Validate the way your partner is feeling. In validating, the key phrase is, “that makes sense.”
8. Empathize – in empathy, they key phrase is, “I can only imagine.”
It makes such a difference when we hold space for our spouse to feel their emotions. They know they are not alone. You help to fix things without fixing things by making your spouse feel heard, and inviting your spouse to even hear themselves.

The 70/30 Marriage Principle

Oct 9, 2024

Have you heard that marriage is “50/50?” Or maybe you’ve heard that it’s “100/100!” Well, we think it is “70/30.” Check out our latest Double Date with Mark and Jill to learn more.

Talk About It

1. Does it feel like we are each giving 70% to individual growth and 30% to couple growth? Why or why not?
2. Which story of personal growth that was shared do you relate to more-Mark’s or Jill’s?

Think About It

1. What can I do to make sure I am prioritizing my individual growth?
2. What is a personal growth step that I can make that will be helpful to my marriage?

Notes and Quotes

• Marriage is really 70/30. This means 70% individual personal growth and 30% couple growth.
• The emphasis is on individual growth. When you really strive for individual growth, it impacts your couple growth as well! Couples need to grow together too, but the emphasis needs to be on individual growth first.
• When we hear suggestions or concepts, we need to think, “how can I apply this to me?” and not, “how can we apply this to us?” (Or, “I hope my spouse is listening!”)
• It’s ok to make a request of our spouse or bring their attention to an area where we’d like to see them grow, but we also need to think about what we are bringing to the relationship individually.
• When each partner steps up and does their 70%, it makes the 30% so much easier. We are bringing our own best self to the relationship.
• Personal growth reduces conflict, increases connection, and helps make our marriage better!

What Accusation is Most Often Happening for You?

Jul 1, 2024

Do you or your spouse find yourselves in a cycle of feeling less than or not enough? Or have either of you been in a pattern of judging and criticizing the other?

If you feel like your mind is heavy with accusations-toward yourself or toward your spouse, this month’s Double Date with Mark and Jill is for you! It’s a short 10-minute video with clear, practical steps for being on guard against the lies of the enemy. There is always an unseen battle going on. But by being aware, we can avoid taking the bait!

Talk About It

1. Share with your spouse: Which category do you tend to fall into in regards to these two types of accusations-shame (toward self) or judgment (toward others)?
2. What practical steps can we take to help each other not take the enemy’s bait?

Think About It

1. Do you think you tend to partner more in the accusations against yourself or others?
2. What’s one practical step you can take today to avoid listening to the enemy’s lies?

Notes and Quotes

• Accusations are a result of spiritual warfare in marriage and in all of our relationships.

• Scripture References:
“Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan[a] standing at his right side to accuse him.” (Zechariah 3:1)
Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.” (Revelation 12:10)

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

• The enemy is our accuser; he comes to kill, steal, and destroy. There are always battles going on for our relationships. Satan is the father of lies and there is no truth in him.
• When we listen to the enemy’s lies, we partner either in the accusations against us, or we partner in the accusations against others.
• Listening to the lies and accusations against ourselves fosters shame; feeling that we are defective or not enough. We move from thinking, “I did a bad thing” to “I am bad.”
• We have to counter shame with the truth of who we are in Christ.
• Listening to the accusations toward others will foster judgment. Judgment is fueled by those accusations and by our own pride. When we hyperfixate on the negative, it becomes a rationale for why we think we can behave a certain way toward others.
• Our Father has given us a new identity in Christ and wants us to say no to shame and judgment!
• We have to be aware that the enemy is trying to bait us. Bait always looks good to the prey that is about to be captured. And the enemy knows which type of bait we are most willing to take.
• When we become complacent and let our guard down, that is when accusations can take hold. The Lord wants us to be on guard.“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” 1 Peter 5:8-10