Most of us aren’t particularly comfortable talking about sex. We mistakenly believe we shouldn’t have to talk about sex. We should just be able to slip under the sheets and our bodies will do what they’re supposed to do.
That’s not what always happens, though. Physical, emotional, and relational challenges get in the way of us enjoying all that God created the physical relationship to be. Because of that, we have to learn to talk about sex. If you start talking about sex, those initial conversations will be difficult, but the more conversations you have, the more “normal” it will become to talk about intimacy.
Put a date on the calendar for your “sex conversation date.” Ready yourself to both share your thoughts and learn from your spouse.
Be prepared to respond “safely.” Be a good listener and listen to understand, not to argue. Here are some caring responses to help the conversation go well:
- “That’s good to know…thank you for sharing that.”
- “Okay that’s helpful. Tell me more.”
- “I didn’t know that. Thank you for letting me know.”
- “I know that was probably hard to share. Thank you for trusting me.”
Today is the day to talk about sex! Here are some questions to get you started. (You can also download and print out the questions for your date using the PDF below!)
- What do you like best about our sex life?
- What do you wish was different in our sex life?
- Is there something I do sexually that bothers you?
- Is there something I do sexually that you really like?
- Ideally, how often would you like us to make love?
- If we were to consider “scheduling sex,” what might that look like?
- Is there a time of the day that you prefer for love-making? Why do you think you prefer that?
- Foreplay….is it too long, too short, or just right for you?
- What happens outside the bedroom in our relationship that hurts our intimacy inside the bedroom?
- Do I make you feel special outside the bedroom?
- When it comes to communication, what do you wish we talked about more?
- Do you feel emotionally safe with me? If not, what could I do to help you feel safe?
- Is there anything either one of us needs to talk to a doctor about that would improve our sex life (erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, pain during intercourse, depression, unusually low desire, etc)?
- Is there any emotional or sexual baggage from your past or any struggles today that are keeping you from fully enjoying sex (pornography, previous relationships, guilt, shame, etc)
- Is there something in our marriage relationship that we can’t seem to improve or get past? What counselor could we begin seeing to sort through this?
- How are we doing communicating when either one of us are “in the mood?” Is there a better way to communicate our interest?
- How are things after we make love? Would you like that to look any different? (Do you want to snuggle for a few minutes, pray, or talk?)
- If intercourse is challenging because of pregnancy, menopause, or physical limitations, do we need to think outside the intercourse box? Can we value bringing sexual pleasure to one another if intercourse isn’t a possibility?
- What is one thing I could do that would help you sexually?
- Have we ever read a book on sex? Would that be helpful for us?