Do you and your spouse spend a lot of time in the same space? Maybe it’s due to working from home, maybe because you own a business together, or maybe you’re retired and learning how to navigate a new level of togetherness. In this Dive Deep Interview Mark and Jill talk with Cynthia Ruchti, author of Spouse in the House about rearranging our attitudes to make room for one another. This interview is chock full of practical advice on how to deal with the challenges of being a human being living close with another human being!
Role adjustments: How are we doing working together to accomplish what is needed at home? Is there a better way we can work together to accomplish what is needed at home? How can we divide house chores now that our time is different?
What is your morning routine? What’s important to you in the morning?
Could we calendar and establish a weekly time to discuss calendars?
What is your ideal daily routine?
What is your need for personal space?
Help me understand your spiritual plan for personal growth?
I want us to operate as a team: collaborating, working together, and working in sync. What is one thing I can do to improve that?
With us sharing our space now, are there any better ways that we both can identify and respect each other’s needs?
Think About It
How do I need to rearrange my attitude to better love my spouse in our togetherness?
Do I have unrealistic expectations? (If you’re constantly disappointed in your spouse, you DO have unrealistic expectations!)
Am I struggling to ask for what I need? If so, what is hindering me?
How can I join into my spouse’s likes and desires?
Notes and Quotes
You can have bliss or you can have blisters.
We can become sloppy in our relationships and stop being kind, gentle, or generous.
You might need to discuss and actually make room for each other by remodeling and actually adjusting space formations.
“Before we could make changes to our space, God led us to heart change. My husband began using the phrase, “excuse me my love.” These words informed my heart that he loved and respected me.” Cynthia Ruchti
Philippians 2 1-4 (The Message) “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care—then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.”
If you understood the normal progress of a marriage, you might not feel so alone at times. Jackie and Stephana Bledsoe have identified seven stages of marriage. Their insight is so rich in this Dive Deep Interview!
Audio:
Talk About It:
What ring (stage) are we currently in?
Is there a ring (stage) we need to go back to, to help us build a better foundation?
Would our children want to get married based on our marriage that they see everyday?
Think About It:
Does the real me show up in marriage or do I withhold parts of myself from my spouse? If so, why?
Do I have an expectation of getting to the prospering stage sooner than is realistic?
1-Engagement ring: building a foundation God’s way
2-Wedding ring: covenant, commitment together with no contingencies.
3-Discovering: be intentional about learning about yourself and your spouse. Discover who your spouse is and the real you. Neither of you are the same as when you first met.
4-Persevering: develop endurance, mindset shift. Our attitude and how we approach hard seasons will change everything.
5-Restoring: things get broken, we need to learn how to forgive one another. Need a foundation of faith, because Christ is the one to restore.
6-Prospering: mature mindset as you go through each ring (stage). Gain a new perspective.
7-Mentoring: look to give back to other couples. Pour back into marriages. Share the real stuff with others.
Most of the time in marriage spouses are as different as night and day! In this Double Date with Mark and Jill, we are going to talk about how changing the way you think about those differences really can change your marriage!
Have you been thinking of doing a certain project or activity? Could we talk about what you are thinking and then make a list so we are on the same page?
Is there one thing I could do that would make you feel like I accept your differences better?
Is there one part of life where you feel like I am always correcting you? (Be prepared for the answer, resist the urge to be defensive. Thank your spouse for sharing honestly with you.)
Has there ever been a time when you have caught yourself getting ready to comment on differences or correct me, when you’ve actually stopped yourself and bit your tongue?
Think About It:
Why do I think my way is the right way and only way?
Is correcting my spouse worth the conflict it might cause in our marriage? Is correction even needed at all?
How am I thinking about my spouses differences?
Which of the statements (below) am I most guilty of thinking or saying? How can I begin to change my thoughts and words?
Notes and Quotes:
Here are some commonly thought statements that need to change:
“My spouse does things wrong.” Change to: My spouse does things differently than I do.
“My spouse doesn’t value efficiency.” Change to: My spouse doesn’t value efficiency as much as I do and that’s ok.
“He/She just can’t get it right. They are like having another child.” Change to: My spouse is an adult and I will treat them as a teammate and a partner.
“My spouse says everything that comes to his/her mind.” Change to: My spouse is an external processor. That’s the way God made them!
“My spouse never let’s me know what they’re thinking.” Change to: My spouse is an internal processor. That’s the way God made them!
In this Double Date with Mark and Jill we are tackling our thinking about assumptions. It’s less than 20 minutes but power packed with perspective and wisdom.
If you’ve been married for any amount of time, you’ve likely already noticed that sometimes you just don’t see things eye-to-eye. It can be hard to view things from your spouse’s perspective, especially when your convinced that your perspective is the right one! If you’ve ever wrestled with this in your marriage, this Dive Deep Interview is for you! Join in on our conversation with Jeff and Beth McCord, authors of Becoming Us: Using the Enneagram to Create a Thriving Gospel-Centered Marriage, as they share how the Enneagram can help couples navigate their differences with mutual understanding and compassion!
When could we set aside time to share our results and learn about it?
If you have taken the test:
What surprised you about your results?
What insight has this given you about yourself and about me?
Think About It:
Take some time to look through your Enneagram results on your own. Look through your core motivations, fears and longings, as well as your strengths and weaknesses. Highlight or underline any new realizations that may come up during this process, and jot down ideas of how you can use these new discoveries about yourself to bless your spouse and marriage.
As you look through your results, ask yourself some hard questions:
Am I stuck in the rut of trying to change my spouse instead of accepting them for the way God has uniquely designed them?
Do I put pressure on my spouse to meet needs that only Christ can truly fill?
How can I communicate better in times of conflict? What can I do to avoid common pitfalls in my thinking, and view myself as God’s beloved child first and foremost?
