Shaunti Feldhahn & Dr. Michael Sytsma: The Secrets of Sex and Marriage

In today’s Deep Dive Interview, Mark and Jill sit down with Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma to discuss their new book, Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises that Make all the Difference. Shaunti is a social researcher with an analytical background, while Dr. Sytsma is an ordained minister, professional counselor, and a sex therapist. Together, with their unique approaches, they have tackled the topic and written this book which gives straight forward, practical advice, delivered with biblical truth.

Talk About It:

Have we allowed the “Hollywood Version” to bring in any unrealistic expectations in our marriage or sex relationship?

What does it take to woo you (get you engaged) even when you’re not hungry for it?

Can we identify what our relationship challenges are that may be hindering sex from happening? i.e. communication issues, energy management, etc.

Think About It:

Jill mentioned the phrase “committing assumicide” (too many assumptions leading to negative results). In what areas do I need to stop committing assumicide in our marriage?

Am I the initiating desire or the receptive desire? What about my spouse? What can I do to better accommodate this?

Notes and Quotes:

Initiating Desire- Feel desire first and do something about it
Receptive Desire- Make a decision to get involved sexually and eventually feelings of desire follow

Dr. Sytsma and Shaunti Feldhahn’s joint platform with free resources:

“Invite, don’t indict” -Jill Savage

“Couples are way closer than what they think they are” -Dr. Michael Sytsma

Dr. Gary Chapman: Love Is A Choice

Most of the time our marriage relationship starts off with warm, tingly feelings, but those initial feelings eventually wear off. What do you do when the tingly feeling of love is not felt towards your spouse anymore? Love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. In this Dive Deep Interview, Dr. Gary Chapman offers a practical conversation on how we can choose to love our spouse (even when it’s hard) through serving with a Christ-like attitude.

Talk About It:

Take the 5 love languages quiz here, if you haven’t already:

1.What is a gesture of love that would be meaningful to you, specific to your primary language?
2. Tell me about a time in your life when someone served you in love even though it may have been hard for them? How did that make you feel? Did that experience influence you to love?

Think About It:

1. In what area can I stop focusing on the differences and instead just allow my spouse to be who they are?
2. Have I had a heart of servanthood toward my spouse lately?
3. What interruptions in my life could actually be an opportunity to show love?

Notes and Quotes:

“If we choose the attitude of love, God will give us the ability to speak love, even to a spouse that’s not loving us.” -Gary Chapman

3 Question’s that changed Dr. Chapmans marriage:
1. What can I do to help you?
2. How can I make your life easier?
3. How can I be a better spouse?

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:5

Link To Dr. Chapmans’ new book Love is A Choice:

The 5 Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

1st Quarter Q&A 2022–Your Questions Answered

In this Q&A, Mark and Jill share a real-life difficult day and how they used their God-tools to stay steady and not have unnecessary conflict. They also answered questions about:

  • personal responsibility in marriage
  • how to stop petty arguments
  • what choosing love looks like on a daily basis
  • how to handle hard conversations with a spouse who isn’t willing to have safe conversations
  • and more!

That’s Zoo & Me!

Most of us think about taking kids to the zoo but few of us consider the zoo a fun date for two!

In this Design-a-Date, the two of you will go to your local zoo or travel to a zoo you’ve always wanted to explore. You’ll meander through the exhibits, talking about the animals you love, learning things together, and just enjoying each other’s company!

Plan the Date: Pick a date to explore the zoo. Put it on your calendar and protect it!

Make the date happen: While you’re traveling to the zoo, share memories of zoo visits you experienced when you were a child. Hold hands, take selfies, and take your time walking and talking.

Think about lunch ahead of time: pack a picnic, plan for a meal at the zoo or choose a restaurant near the zoo that you’ve never eaten at before.

Select one of the selfies you took to print out and frame at home!

Print Out PDF: Thats-Zoo-and-Me-PDF.pdf

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