Are you hinting, hoping, complaining, commenting, or criticizing? If so, we want you to know there’s a better way to let your spouse know what you need! This Double Date with Mark and Jill will show you the way!
Talk About It
What is your initial thought about using this strategy in our communication?
What fears do you have about making requests?
Is there a request you’d like to make?
Think About It
Did you grow up in a home where making requests wasn’t safe (maybe you had a reactive parent, or your needs simply weren’t thought of or met)?
Can you think of a time in the past week where a direct request might have made a big difference?
Notes and Quotes
I thought I was communicating, but really I was commenting, hoping, or hinting.
When you experience frustration, there’s a request to be made.
In today’s Deep Dive Interview, Mark and Jill sit down with Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma to discuss their new book, Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises that Make all the Difference. Shaunti is a social researcher with an analytical background, while Dr. Sytsma is an ordained minister, professional counselor, and a sex therapist. Together, with their unique approaches, they have tackled the topic and written this book which gives straight forward, practical advice, delivered with biblical truth.
Talk About It:
Have we allowed the “Hollywood Version” to bring in any unrealistic expectations in our marriage or sex relationship?
What does it take to woo you (get you engaged) even when you’re not hungry for it?
Can we identify what our relationship challenges are that may be hindering sex from happening? i.e. communication issues, energy management, etc.
Think About It:
Jill mentioned the phrase “committing assumicide” (too many assumptions leading to negative results). In what areas do I need to stop committing assumicide in our marriage?
Am I the initiating desire or the receptive desire? What about my spouse? What can I do to better accommodate this?
Notes and Quotes:
Initiating Desire- Feel desire first and do something about it
Receptive Desire- Make a decision to get involved sexually and eventually feelings of desire follow
What you think determines what you feel, believe, do, and ultimately the results you get in life and relationships. This is why we need to take our thoughts captive and push them in the direction of God’s truth. In this Double Date with Mark and Jill, we help you understand how to apply Romans 8:5-6 to your marriage.
Talk About It
Where, in life, do you need to more intentionally take your thoughts captive?
What is one “flesh” thought you have regularly in our marriage that I could partner in prayer with you about?
Think About It
What is a thought I have consistently about myself or my spouse that does not align with God’s truth? How can I flip the script on that thought to have a more Spirit-led, truth-based thought?
Notes and Quotes
“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh. Those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death and to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-6 (underline emphasis ours)
Too often we put our spouse on the defensive simply by how we approach them. We have to learn how to invite, not indict. In this Double Date with Mark and Jill, you’ll learn the skills to move from indicting (accusing) your spouse to inviting them into growth and conversation.
Talk About It
In your home of origin, was there more indicting or inviting?
Do you feel I indict or invite more often? (Don’t be defensive–simply say, “Thank you for the feedback.”)
Think About It
Am I making accusations or requests?
Am I believing the best in my spouse?
Am I curious? Is there another thing I can attribute this to?
Notes and Quotes
Stop indicting. Start inviting.
Learn to make requests, not complaints.
Stay away from “you” statements as well as “always” and “never.”
Love perseveres. It sticks. It hangs on. This is where “for better or for worse” really gets lived out. In this Double Date with Mark and Jill we explore the power of perseverance in marriage!
